How to prove to a Vulcan that (!) is not illogical!
by i-visualize
Summary: Spock feels that s********* is illogical. That it is neither a******* nor productive. Now, Jim is not going to let that pass. Being Spock's best friend he has to make sure that Spock is introduced to the joys of s*******. So he starts planning. Will he be successful? Hmm... I wonder! Jim/Spock (Sorry for all the obscured words in the title and summary but their rating has to be K!)
1. Chapter 1

**Title - How to prove to a Vulcan that striptease is not illogical!**

**Summary - Spock feels that striptease is illogical. That it is neither arousing nor productive. Now, Jim is not going to let that pass. Being Spock's best friend he has to make sure that Spock is introduced to the joys of stripteasing. So he starts planning...**

**Will he be successful? Hmmm... I wonder!**

**!#!#!**

**Disclaimer - I do not own the characters or Star Trek! And nor am I making any profit over it!**

**!#!#!**

_**I just got this crazy idea I had to write about!:D**_

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**Chapter One – Illogical is it?**

"Captain, this is illogical," Spock proclaimed in a flat voice.

Jim, who was cheering for the Orion dancers who were writhing to the racy music while taking their clothes off one at a time, snapped to attention and turned towards Spock in disbelief.

"What? Did you just say that this is illogical? That striptease is illogical?" Jim asked dumbfounded.

Spock quirked his left eyebrow, which Jim was pretty sure of being a Vulcan equivalent of 'Duh…', and replied, "Yes Captain. I said this, what you just referred to as striptease, is illogical."

Bones snorted and announced gleefully, "Close your mouth Jim. I told you multiple times that there's something wrong with the hobgoblin. This proves it."

Spock's lips thinned. "There is nothing 'wrong' with me, Doctor. I just fail to comprehend that why the removal of clothes in a sequential manner should be… arousing. It would also decrease the efficiency of coitus by 18.99%. Now excuse me, it is time for us to return to the ship. Our shore leave has ended."

Saying so, he promptly rose to his feet and patiently waited for Jim to stop doing his gaping fish impression at him.

**!#!#!**

The day after the shore leave, everyone noticed their Captain's distraction as he was busy staring at his second in command with a thoughtful look upon his face.

**!#!#!**

The next day, the whole ship was abuzz with speculation about what the Captain was planning. He had been spotted multiple times by multiple people with an eager and mischievous expression on his face.

And the competent crew of Enterprise knew one thing… that whenever the Captain sported that particular look, it meant bad tidings for two of their superior officers.

By afternoon, Spock and Bones' PADDs were rife with messages from well-wishers or to be more exact... fore-warnings!

**!#!#!**

"Good Morning, Uhura. I was looking for you yesterday." Jim greeted his Communications Officer as he stepped on the bridge for his morning shift.

She replied without turning towards him, "Good Morning, Captain. And my answer is no."

Jim frowned. "Hey, I did not even ask you to do anything yet."

Uhura sighed and turned around to face him. "Jim, everyone knows you have been busy planning something. And I am pretty sure it has got everything to do with provoking Spock. So, no, I am not helping you. And moreover, it seems that you have forgotten that I am going out with Leonard, your best friend. He told me what happened during the shore leave and absolutely prohibited me from helping you with anything related to that incident."

Jim pouted and heaved a long sigh; making an expression similar to that of a kicked puppy.

This made Uhura roll her eyes. "Please stop with the pout, Jim. It does not affect me. Who do you take me for, Spock and Bones?"

Jim huffed and then put on his most charming smile.

"Uhura, come on. Spock said that strip tease is illogical. Striptease! Can you believe that? Next he will say that foreplay is illogical or something like that. You have to help me to prove him wrong," he beseeched.

Uhura stared at him unimpressed. "Okay, and you are doing this because…"

Jim's expression faltered for a moment but then he was back to wearing his nonchalant, carefree persona. "He is my best friend. And thus it is my duty to introduce him to the joys of striptease," saying so, he grinned and winked playfully at her.

"So, you are going to help me, right?"

Uhura looked at Jim's hopeful face and groaned in defeat. "All right! What do you want me to do?"

Jim beamed at her, "Just make sure you arrive at the Officer's Recreational Room at 17:00:00. And get Bones with you. I'll take care of the rest."

That said, he walked away with a bounce in his steps.

Uhura watched him go to the Science Station and throw an arm around Spock's shoulders.

Spock, who stiffened at the slightest of body contact with anyone in public, seemed quite comfortable with Jim's touch. All the while, Jim flirted blatantly with him.

And she was sure she saw Spock's lips lift up in a smile.

Shaking her head Uhura muttered, "Men! I wonder how they can be so bloody oblivious."

**!#!#!**

At 17:05:59 on ship's log, Jim entered the Officer's Recreational Room and found the others already seated.

He took a look around and waved at Sulu, Scotty and Chekov who looked pretty excited to be there. Bones was glaring daggers at him and Uhura looked annoyed.

Jim frowned as he noticed that the Deputy Science Officer, Dr. Tom Williams, was also in attendance and seated next to Uhura. He sent Uhura a questioning look, but she merely shrugged in response.

Seeing everyone he had asked to attend (and one he had not) was present, Jim began, "Thank you all for coming here. Now, you all already know the reason behind this little gathering. Spock believes striptease to be illogical. And so, we are going to educate Spock about the wonder that is striptease."

Bones sneered, "And how do you plan to do that? Head for the nearest planet that has people who specialize in this area?"

Chekov's mouth fell open in amazement and then he declared happily, "Keptin, you are ze best keptin evah."

Jim sighed, "No Chekov. Bones was just being his usual sarcastic self."

"Oh!" Chekov's face fell and Sulu gave Bones the stink eye.

"Actually Captain, Leonard is right. How are 'we' going to 'educate' Spock?" Uhura asked.

Jim's expression turned sheepish. "Well, obviously, we will have to striptease for Spock."

There was complete silence for a whole minute and then Bones finally burst out, "Are you out of your goddamn mind, Jim?"

Jim snorted, "Oh come on Bones. It is going to be for an educational purpose. And besides, you are not included anyway. I want to show Spock what he is missing, not scar him for his entire life."

Everyone hid their amusement behind coughs, while Bones glared at them all. No one would out-and-out admit it, but they were all afraid of Bones and his hypos.

Smirking, Jim asked, "So, any volunteers?"

To his surprise Dr. Tom Williams immediately stood up. Jim stared at the young man in front of him. He had dark hair, warm brown eyes and an engaging smile… quite an attractive man.

Jim politely enquired, "Yes?"

"Captain, may I volunteer? I have been trained in dancing. And I would love to striptease for Commander Spock."

Jim visibly clenched his teeth while everyone, except Uhura, winced at Tom's folly.

Jim answered Tom with a chilly smile, "Thank you Dr. Williams. But I suggest you return to your station. I doubt Commander Spock will be comfortable with your presence here; much less with you stripteasing for him. Dismissed."

Tom gulped seeing the look on Captain's face. He berated himself for not listening to the other crew members' advice about dropping his little crush for the Commander. Embarrassed, he turned to leave when Officer Scott gently patted his hands and murmured, "Don't take it personally, laddy. Captain is very possessive of his Vulcan."

Nodding his head, Tom left.

Uhura felt Jim glaring at her and gave him an exasperated look. Of course she had known about Tom's little crush on Spock. That's the reason she had brought him with her. While she did feel a bit guilty about it, it would eventually be beneficial for all three of them. Or rather that was what she hoped for.

"Can you be any blinder, Jim?" she muttered.

"Don't bet upon it," Bones answered with a grunt.

**!#!#!**

After much debate it was decided that Uhura and Jim would do the honours. Chekov wanted to participate but everyone protested against it unanimously. Scotty and Sulu, to speak the plain truth, sucked at dancing.

And Bones would rather go and jump off a cliff.

Since they had no costumes, they had to make do with their own clothes. Uhura chose a long skirt with a loose top which hid a very short skirt and tight camisole inside.

And Jim chose a dungaree over a pair of black skinny jeans and a white shirt.

"Okay, I am ready," Jim smirked. "Let's show Mr. Striptease is Illogical that sometimes being illogical is the most logical thing in this world."

_**... to be continued**_

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**Thank you for reading! Please review!:))**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two – He belongs with me!**

"Doctor McCoy, may I know what is so important that it requires my immediate attendance?" Spock enquired as Bones and he walked towards the Officer's Recreational Room.

Bones merely grunted back in reply.

"I see. May I know what our wayward Captain has done this time?" Spock asked.

Puzzled, Bones turned towards Spock and posed a question of his own, "Did you just form an entire sentence out of my grunt?"

Spock trained an impassive look at Bones; which Bones clearly interpreted as 'you can't possibly be that dumb'.

"Negative, Doctor. I concluded it from the expression on your face which is similar to what you display ninety two point eight nine percent of the time while dealing with our Captain's… antics."

Bones snorted, "Is that so? Well, just wait and watch what he is up to this time. I swear that kid is capable of driving anyone insane... Sometimes, I just feel like giving him a good old spanking to kee… Ooomph!"

Bones gasped in shock as he was suddenly slammed against a wall and then pinned to it by a powerful hand upon his throat.

His mouth hung open in astonishment as he came face to face with an irate Vulcan; and involuntarily, his mind flashed back to the time when they had nearly lost Jim because of Khan. He shuddered as he remembered Spock turning into an avenging angel and nearly killing Khan with his bare hands.

Now looking into those deadly eyes, he wondered why he had once thought that provoking Spock was a good idea.

Spock spoke in a very quiet and very cold voice, "Do not touch him Doctor. Ever. If you do, I will fail to consider Jim's obvious affection for you."

Saying so, he released Bones from his unbreakable hold.

Bones slumped in relief while coughing and massaging his throat and then snarled at Spock, "Damn you, you bloody hobgoblin. It was only a hollow statement. I am NOT going to spank Jim. Where the hell is that Vulcan logic of yours? Jim is the reason I am alive today. I love every goddamn inch of him; and I will never, ever harm him. Stupid Vulcan!"

Spock stared at Bones unwaveringly for a long moment, testing the truth. And then finally, he bowed his head in a silent apology.

Bones, who was still breathing heavily, nodded his acceptance.

Spock gestured for them to continue, "After you, Leonard."

Bones fought to keep the smile off his face because of the sudden change in the Vulcan's demeanour; and grunted, "You know, you're not too bad… for a hobgoblin that is. Now, do us all a favour and go and get that kid. All this angst is driving the rest of us crazy."

Spock stiffened. He was well aware that, in his own way, Bones was accepting him in Jim's life and making it clear that Jim would never have to choose between the two of them. Supremely uncomfortable, he simply evaded the topic.

"Which infant are you talking about, Doctor? Let me remind you that it is against the Starfleet Regulations for one to be on board."

Bones sighed and looking towards the heaven, he questioned, "What else can I do after that?"

But to his credit, he did try one last time, "Spock, think about it this way. You get to spank him. I get to stay sane for longer periods of time. And the Enterprise gets two very happy senior most Officers… It's a win-win."

**!#!#!**

Standing at one corner of the room, Jim watched Spock arrive with Bones and take a seat beside Sulu. Spock's alert eyes swept the room, stopping when they landed on him.

Their eyes locked and Jim saw Spock's nostrils flare.

His heart stuttered and then started hammering inside his ribcage.

He could not look away. And staring into those beautiful eyes, he could only need; only want; only ache…

Breathing heavily, he tore his eyes away from Spock. And for the umpteenth time, he wished that he was worthy enough. That he was not so damaged and broken…

A loud clearing of throat broke him out of his musings. Pasting a smile on his face he turned towards Uhura and… froze.

Uhura's eyes were brimming with sadness and compassion for him.

His fake smile vanished; and anger, pain and betrayal darkened his expressive eyes.

He snarled at her in rage, "What did Bones tell you about my past? What the fuck did he say?"

Uhura winced and replied, "Nothing, Jim. Leonard did not tell me anything about your past. I only guessed… from all the things he did not say. I do not know what the hell happened to scar you so, but I do know it has something to do with your childhood and… Tarsus IV."

Jim's eyes widened in shock. "You know about Tarsus IV. But… Spock… does he know about it too?"

Uhura sighed, "Do you honestly believe he does not? He knows you better than anyone else, even Leonard. Haven't you noticed how protective he is of you?"

Jim laughed bitterly at that. "Oh, so he not only thinks that I am immature, but also that I am pathetic and weak."

This made Uhura huff out in frustration as she smacked him upside his head. "Stop acting like an adolescent girl. You know very well how much he respects your abilities. You know how much he adores you. And don't you dare and tell me you do not. Everyone on this ship and beyond knows it. There is even a betting pool going on since ages…"

Jim blinked. "Wha.. A betting pool? What the fuck is…?"

Interrupting his rant, Uhura gently laid her palm against his cheek and continued, "Jim Kirk does not believe in no-win scenarios. So how the hell is his past stopping him from going after the person he is crazy about? You will not get a better opportunity than this. Show your Vulcan what he has been missing. And maybe, with him beside you, you will finally be able to bury the past which haunts you so."

She willed him to understand; and then pulling back from him, signalled Chekov to start the music.

The seductive notes of guitar filled the room as the song began.

Uhura winked at Jim wickedly. "Wish me luck… I have a grumpy Doctor to drive mad with lust."

This made Jim smile as he produced the requisite 'Ewww…' sound.

Uhura laughed and swirled to the middle of the room and started dancing to the music. Her eyes found and then locked with Bones', who was suddenly sporting a bright red colour on his face.

She built up the heat slowly and just as Bones began to sweat, she stepped out of her long skirt and threw it aside.

Dressed in her long top, she looked nearly decadent and would have taken anyone's breath away…

Jim looked at Spock from the corner of his eyes and his breath caught when he saw that Spock's attention was fixed on him instead.

And just like that, he knew. It was as if he was hit by an epiphany.

He knew that Uhura was right…

He knew that Spock belonged with him and he would fight till his last breath to keep him there…

And he knew that Spock would be his that night.

Jim felt relief, excitement, warmth, giddiness… and feelings he could not name, bubble up inside him.

And finally he took a liberating breath.

!-!-!

The sudden catcalling and cheering made Jim turn towards Uhura, just in time, to see a frustrated Bones march up to her and throw her over his shoulders and then exit the room.

Sulu, Chekov and Scotty applauded while Spock looked on with faint amusement.

When Jim joined them, Chekov asked eagerly, "Keptin, shall I zart your muzic?"

Jim, who had his gaze fixed on Spock, spared him a glance. "No, Chekov. Proving to a Vulcan that striptease is not illogical is a much more difficult task than I first believed. So, thank you for your support gentlemen, but that will be all."

Hearing this, Spock's lips twitched minutely as he commented, "It is indeed prudent to give up this fruitless endeavour of yours, Captain."

That only resulted in Jim smirking devilishly at him. "Oh, not at all, Mr. Spock! In fact, contrary to your assumption, I have decided that it will need much more effort on my part."

With that he tugged Spock up, and pulled him out of the room.

As soon as they were out, Sulu jumped up from his seat and yelled triumphantly. "Finally! Cough up Scotty, I win."

Scotty groaned, "Damn it, I was sure that it would take another five years or so." Taking his PADD out, he transferred 50 credits to Sulu's account.

Poor Chekov just looked on confused… "But wat about ze striptease?"

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_**I am removing the title of the song! Lord knows if the title is copyrighted or not. Please let me know if you do have an idea!:)**_


End file.
